i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
And then my night got REAL pukey
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
