Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Randomize
