Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Randomize
