when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
