Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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