Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Randomize
