Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
