Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Randomize
