I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
You may now shotgun with the bride
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
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