She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
