'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
