that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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