If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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