You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize
