3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Randomize
