Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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