Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize