Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
