Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
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When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
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A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
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