If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
