I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
