I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
