if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
My cat gives me a boner
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
