Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
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