Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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