actually, I'm a sock model
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
