Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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