I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Randomize
