Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Randomize
