i was born a porn star she said
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
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