i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Randomize
