you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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