I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
