I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
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