my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Every concussion has its silver lining
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
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