remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
