I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
