Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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