you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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