Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
