I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize