..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
