Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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