Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Liz is crying about burritos again.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize
