you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
