I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Randomize
