I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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