I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
You are a genius and a whore.
Randomize
