No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
