I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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