So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
