can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
