hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize