Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
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