My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Randomize
