You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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