I wish I could teleport
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize