And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
