can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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